The resolution
Quick recap: Got into a relationship with a guy who lived thousands of miles away from me. We slowly begin to "drift from the happy ending fantasy that we planted in our heads" ... at least one with each other. We decide to break it off but keep in contact for 9 months. It suddenly consumes me and I feel the need to let him know that its time to move on.
At this time, my mental health was at an all time low just because I always felt like I had no one to talk to. I had so many friends yet felt so alone. I had friends who were connected to my mother because she carried a lot of clout. It just seemed like most of the people who were even friends with me were friends because it mean't I could put them on the gram or because they wanted to get with the designer's daughter. The friends that I could talk to just seemed unapproachable not because they were rude but it seemed like they were uneducated on the matter. People just wouldn't believe that my mental health was just as important as my physical health so for the 9 months that I spent in total isolation, I always cried inside.
It was hard for anyone to tell that a girl like me with a smile so wide could be so broken inside; filled with nothing but emptiness. They usually say that the people who look the happiest are the ones who are broken and to me it seemed so true because nothing breaks like the heart. Okay! That line wasn't mine, it's Miley Cyrus' but still so true. No-one beat me up in those nine months. I never got into an accident, in fact, I had gotten into university, got a summer vacation that lasted 4 months and even met more celebrities from Tanzania who had a large following base compared to all off my friends' followers combined. The thing was I just felt like without him, there was an end ... for me because I didn't feel like I could live without him. I didn't even want to understand why I let myself get to that stage and it hurt so much that when I was alone, I would turn to my side and cry so silently hoping no-one could hear me. That's when you know it hurts. I would wonder when the phase would end, but I hadn't realised that things were stopping me from forgetting.
One of them was dependency, I always felt that life was us. What that means is that him and I were US so:
1+1=2
and for many this concept seems very logical but not every relationship always has a happy ending. Therefore although this seems like a negative mindset but if I had lived a separate life from my relationship then perhaps I would have been more satisfied with myself, I wouldn't have felt so dependent on one person. I never made that relationship a substitute but instead a driving force of my entire life. This is something that I want many people to acknowledge ... that perhaps
1+1 isn't 2 but 3
This is because the first mistake that most people do is that they don't separate their relationship from their normal lives. They tend to even exclude friends that they have known for years for a guy they've known in a few months. If you know someone whose going through something like this then it's just best you direct them here. Perhaps you're here because someone found you or better yet you found me at the right time then you might as well keep reading.
Anyways, you exclude important people in your life like your friends and family. That's probably the main reason that I felt like I had no-one even when it was clear there were people in my life. One could argue that perhaps it was the misconception of believing that having facebook friends actually makes you feel more connected when in reality you live and die alone. However the fact still stands that believing that you and your partner make up one person and that you guys should do things together creates dependency and it's not something I would wish upon anyone. People are temporary and that's the world we live in, We want to believe that the parents we have will live forever but even they will move on. The friends we have will get married, will have children and will eventually die. Most of them will give less of their time and eventually we will need to give less of ours. The only reasonable way of overcoming something like this is to create a contrast between the life you are living and the people around you. It is best to believe that you will live and die alone therefore you should focus on having achievements that will satisfy yourself and not others. The food that your lover eats won't fill your belly therefore try to acknowledge that your lives are different. You don't need to create goals that benefit the two of you because each and every single one of us has a life story that needs one author.
I MEAN THAT'S THE ONLY MISTAKE I'M SEEING SO FAR IN TERMS OF WHAT WENT WRONG.
I still want to emphasise that the relationship wasn't something I had second thoughts on but no-one deserved the thoughts, the events, the suffering that happened post-breakup. It was in that moment that I realised that relationships were truly forbidden for a particular reason. It wasn't the fact that my parents didn't love me or that God never wanted us to be happy but how many people kill themselves over loosing someone they were "dating" or someone they "love"
I mean that's all people wrote about
"ROMEO AND JULIET"
"HAMLET"
"MIDSUMMER NIGHTS DREAM"
They all have one thing in common,
DEPENDENCY
And the fact that two characters are solely dependent on each other eventually experience emotional heartbreak that eventually becomes their downfall.
After enduring that much pain and letting this weakness become my downfall, I had to set the record straight because I believed that perhaps I would be better off if I could cut off ties with someone who was making me reminisce. It was simple but the words just felt so hard to come off the the tip of my tongue. How would I even begin?
"Hey, so you make me happy but I think I need to be more happy?"
"Hey! I know we're not together but it felt nice when we were together and I don't want to be together anymore?"
"Hey, I cry every night because I think about the moments we used to have, the laughs we shared and maybe you have two choices ... leave or stay?"
Yea! I never said any of those things!!!!
I mean this could have gone a million ways. I could have been talking to him right this second about marriage after holding on to what could have been for a whole year now. It was so stressful but I got the guts to say what I believed was probably very much needed at the time. I actually don't remember what I said or what led up to that moment but it was along the lines of ...
" I NEED SPACE, WE NEED TO STOP TALKING"
Ofcourse I'm not going to talk about his response because I was too focused on my recovery to even care about what he could have said. For a good 6 months, we had no contact whatsoever and at this point, I will admit I was starting to grow. I rekindled friendships, I lost because I never paid attention to people. I started hobbies that were buried because I had forgotten who I was. I started to make goals that benefitted me and now I know what I want to do or who I want to be by the age of 25. Infact the minute we broke up, I changed my career path and moved from entrepreneurship, business administration, finance and BASICALLY EVERYTHING EVERYONE WANTED ME TO DO to creative writing (Something no-one really understands to this day and to be fair ... I'm okay with that). Overtime, I began to live for myself and I loved that. I loved the sense of independence and for a while even that became toxic because I didn't want to let anyone else in my life. I loved the idea of being alone because I grew this new mindset.
That the walls that I had built would be broken down by someone who I'd let in; that the only thing that separated me from my own destruction was letting anyone past my borders that I took so long to set and build. I think what broke that theory was a long hard talk I had with a few guys who challenged my way of thinking. I was still happy, I was smiling. I was genuinely happy. I never laughed so much in 2019 compared to 2018. I could see the growth, the confidence and it showed in the way I spoke and talked to people who even uttered my name. I shut people who were looking for anything past a friendship intact sometimes, I even let people know I wasn't interested in being friends. Going through this made me desire a smaller circle because I realised that maybe I can't go through these things alone but I don't need the whole world to know about my life story to feel content. I just hope that the people who read this can understand that it is a process. Healing does take time and the time it'll take will depend on you. It will be okay ... I just need you to hold on.
"You're not really a complete person until you've spent some time alone ... free, independent, needing nothing from none and learning to love yourself and celebrate your life for the beautiful, precious, magical gift that it is. So go find yourself and let love find you" - Prince Ea
..................................................................................................................................................................
No! This isn't the end really, I mean there's a lot that goes into getting over someone who mattered so much to you. I'm about to break down the things I did to keep a positive mindset because you'll need all the support in the world. Just remember that you're the biggest support and the only thing that stands in the middle of your obstacles and worst moments is you. It's not about how you got there or why you can't move forward but how you choose to move forward in your darkest times.
At this time, my mental health was at an all time low just because I always felt like I had no one to talk to. I had so many friends yet felt so alone. I had friends who were connected to my mother because she carried a lot of clout. It just seemed like most of the people who were even friends with me were friends because it mean't I could put them on the gram or because they wanted to get with the designer's daughter. The friends that I could talk to just seemed unapproachable not because they were rude but it seemed like they were uneducated on the matter. People just wouldn't believe that my mental health was just as important as my physical health so for the 9 months that I spent in total isolation, I always cried inside.
It was hard for anyone to tell that a girl like me with a smile so wide could be so broken inside; filled with nothing but emptiness. They usually say that the people who look the happiest are the ones who are broken and to me it seemed so true because nothing breaks like the heart. Okay! That line wasn't mine, it's Miley Cyrus' but still so true. No-one beat me up in those nine months. I never got into an accident, in fact, I had gotten into university, got a summer vacation that lasted 4 months and even met more celebrities from Tanzania who had a large following base compared to all off my friends' followers combined. The thing was I just felt like without him, there was an end ... for me because I didn't feel like I could live without him. I didn't even want to understand why I let myself get to that stage and it hurt so much that when I was alone, I would turn to my side and cry so silently hoping no-one could hear me. That's when you know it hurts. I would wonder when the phase would end, but I hadn't realised that things were stopping me from forgetting.
One of them was dependency, I always felt that life was us. What that means is that him and I were US so:
1+1=2
and for many this concept seems very logical but not every relationship always has a happy ending. Therefore although this seems like a negative mindset but if I had lived a separate life from my relationship then perhaps I would have been more satisfied with myself, I wouldn't have felt so dependent on one person. I never made that relationship a substitute but instead a driving force of my entire life. This is something that I want many people to acknowledge ... that perhaps
1+1 isn't 2 but 3
This is because the first mistake that most people do is that they don't separate their relationship from their normal lives. They tend to even exclude friends that they have known for years for a guy they've known in a few months. If you know someone whose going through something like this then it's just best you direct them here. Perhaps you're here because someone found you or better yet you found me at the right time then you might as well keep reading.
Anyways, you exclude important people in your life like your friends and family. That's probably the main reason that I felt like I had no-one even when it was clear there were people in my life. One could argue that perhaps it was the misconception of believing that having facebook friends actually makes you feel more connected when in reality you live and die alone. However the fact still stands that believing that you and your partner make up one person and that you guys should do things together creates dependency and it's not something I would wish upon anyone. People are temporary and that's the world we live in, We want to believe that the parents we have will live forever but even they will move on. The friends we have will get married, will have children and will eventually die. Most of them will give less of their time and eventually we will need to give less of ours. The only reasonable way of overcoming something like this is to create a contrast between the life you are living and the people around you. It is best to believe that you will live and die alone therefore you should focus on having achievements that will satisfy yourself and not others. The food that your lover eats won't fill your belly therefore try to acknowledge that your lives are different. You don't need to create goals that benefit the two of you because each and every single one of us has a life story that needs one author.
I MEAN THAT'S THE ONLY MISTAKE I'M SEEING SO FAR IN TERMS OF WHAT WENT WRONG.
I still want to emphasise that the relationship wasn't something I had second thoughts on but no-one deserved the thoughts, the events, the suffering that happened post-breakup. It was in that moment that I realised that relationships were truly forbidden for a particular reason. It wasn't the fact that my parents didn't love me or that God never wanted us to be happy but how many people kill themselves over loosing someone they were "dating" or someone they "love"
I mean that's all people wrote about
"ROMEO AND JULIET"
"HAMLET"
"MIDSUMMER NIGHTS DREAM"
They all have one thing in common,
DEPENDENCY
And the fact that two characters are solely dependent on each other eventually experience emotional heartbreak that eventually becomes their downfall.
After enduring that much pain and letting this weakness become my downfall, I had to set the record straight because I believed that perhaps I would be better off if I could cut off ties with someone who was making me reminisce. It was simple but the words just felt so hard to come off the the tip of my tongue. How would I even begin?
"Hey, so you make me happy but I think I need to be more happy?"
"Hey! I know we're not together but it felt nice when we were together and I don't want to be together anymore?"
"Hey, I cry every night because I think about the moments we used to have, the laughs we shared and maybe you have two choices ... leave or stay?"
Yea! I never said any of those things!!!!
I mean this could have gone a million ways. I could have been talking to him right this second about marriage after holding on to what could have been for a whole year now. It was so stressful but I got the guts to say what I believed was probably very much needed at the time. I actually don't remember what I said or what led up to that moment but it was along the lines of ...
" I NEED SPACE, WE NEED TO STOP TALKING"
Ofcourse I'm not going to talk about his response because I was too focused on my recovery to even care about what he could have said. For a good 6 months, we had no contact whatsoever and at this point, I will admit I was starting to grow. I rekindled friendships, I lost because I never paid attention to people. I started hobbies that were buried because I had forgotten who I was. I started to make goals that benefitted me and now I know what I want to do or who I want to be by the age of 25. Infact the minute we broke up, I changed my career path and moved from entrepreneurship, business administration, finance and BASICALLY EVERYTHING EVERYONE WANTED ME TO DO to creative writing (Something no-one really understands to this day and to be fair ... I'm okay with that). Overtime, I began to live for myself and I loved that. I loved the sense of independence and for a while even that became toxic because I didn't want to let anyone else in my life. I loved the idea of being alone because I grew this new mindset.
That the walls that I had built would be broken down by someone who I'd let in; that the only thing that separated me from my own destruction was letting anyone past my borders that I took so long to set and build. I think what broke that theory was a long hard talk I had with a few guys who challenged my way of thinking. I was still happy, I was smiling. I was genuinely happy. I never laughed so much in 2019 compared to 2018. I could see the growth, the confidence and it showed in the way I spoke and talked to people who even uttered my name. I shut people who were looking for anything past a friendship intact sometimes, I even let people know I wasn't interested in being friends. Going through this made me desire a smaller circle because I realised that maybe I can't go through these things alone but I don't need the whole world to know about my life story to feel content. I just hope that the people who read this can understand that it is a process. Healing does take time and the time it'll take will depend on you. It will be okay ... I just need you to hold on.
"You're not really a complete person until you've spent some time alone ... free, independent, needing nothing from none and learning to love yourself and celebrate your life for the beautiful, precious, magical gift that it is. So go find yourself and let love find you" - Prince Ea
..................................................................................................................................................................
No! This isn't the end really, I mean there's a lot that goes into getting over someone who mattered so much to you. I'm about to break down the things I did to keep a positive mindset because you'll need all the support in the world. Just remember that you're the biggest support and the only thing that stands in the middle of your obstacles and worst moments is you. It's not about how you got there or why you can't move forward but how you choose to move forward in your darkest times.
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